Dating Ducks in Stream

This couple enjoyed a chilly swim in the morning sunshine of an ordinary winter day. Somehow, there's nothing better than breakfast, a fresh plum, and a short run/walk before the enduring the rigors of work in the middle of the week. Like Ferris Bueller says..."Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it..."

Penguins on Rock

The Fortuneteller

A couple years ago I was wandering around a local fair and decided to have my fortune told. I was alone, my girlfriend had just dumped me and I was feeling way too sorry for myself.

I can't remember if they had Tarot cards or a crystal ball. I do remember it was $10 for the cheap reading and $20 for the deluxe (sucker) reading. Naturally, I chose the deluxe (sucker) reading.

I found some of her insights interesting. She correctly deduced (or whatever supernatural process is applicable) I was recently dumped (maybe my droopy demeanor, or tear stained mascara gave me away), and she said I'd find someone else (which did happen). I was surprised she knew I was self-employed, and she said business was good (of course, I did spend the $20...).

Then she spoke of a person I knew who was ill. That's a pretty safe guess on her part, I'd be surprised if anyone doesn't know someone who's ill. She said he wasn't going to make it, it was going to be bad. Big mistake...

I reacted immediately and aggressively. All the light bulbs on all the amusement rides exploded from the percussion of my aura (no...not really). I gave her the look.

This is the same look I give just before disembowling someone with 14 items in the express line. It is the look that makes strangers back off immediately. It's a mystical power. And it worked. My friend had several surgeries and was not doing well, but I changed his destiny, saving his life. She actually backed off and changed her mind, and said he'd be ok. And sure enough, he's fine.

So, I find no point to Fortunetellers other than entertainment. Do not accept the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, kick their asses, and live happily ever after.

Update: The Hyperdump

Ok. I know I said I wouldn't harp on this, but it won't end. I spoke too soon of the superpowers of my toilet. Alas, it clogged. I tried to flush it to no avail. So I utilize the plunger I keep under the vanity and hopelessly plunge, splashing water on the floor, not budging my super-log clog. Guess what, I am the "James Bond" of unclogging johns, so I waste no time producing a toilet snake. I expertly guide the tool through the trap, twisting it to capture my "prize". I retract nothing. I send it through the trap, still won't flush. I finally have to extend to the maximum 6 foot length, and things start to work, the clog must have been in the piping beyond the john, the snake comes back clean. After a couple more uses, it clogs again. I had a feeling the flush was still weak. By now the auger is back in the truck, I use the plunger again and lo and behold it's fine now. Oh, sweet flush of success!

The Hyperdump

This morning I experienced a "bowel movement milestone". I'm aquainted with someone who constantly critiques his excretions, and while funny as hell, is a bit strange. I promise to keep my potty-talk to a minimum.

I can estimate size and time pretty well, and a good thing too; I would not want to hold a tape measure to this...12 inches! I'm not kidding! I gave birth! Now I know how a chicken feels...it was like, what's happening here? I'm not reaching a "pinch point", we're not in Kansas anymore!

I heard a thud, then actually stood to marvel at what just happened. What God hath brought! The dump to end all dumps! But there it was, like the Alaskan pipeline, a beached whale! This isn't going to pass through the trap in the toilet, it's like trying to thread a needle with a sledgehammer (sludgehammer)!

Well, I could have digi-cammed a photo, but that's too weird, so I decided to test the engineering of my American Standard Cadet. I have to say, this must be the tour de force for sanitary device engineers. Flush, and I'm amazed it's gone.

And I feel heavenly (and much lighter) now, if I smoked I'd light one up...

Borg Cell Phone Implants

Today at the supermarket a woman was shopping and softly talking to herself. I quickly realized she was not with us, she was conversing on a hands free cell phone. A growing number of people are tuning out and logging on. I term them "borg", 'cause of the implant looking hardware, and the fact they are "networked". We more and more create our own realities, with technologies of communications, Ipods, and mass suburbia. A guy I talked with at a coffee shop reflected the greatest technology impacts of this century were the computer, communications, and birth control. I'll add comfortable wealth to the list.

It's a wonderful new world, where we are the masters of our destinies, selecting friends and lovers and careers and sensual stimulation at our whims. Multitasking is existentialism to the nth degree, and no one has enough time anymore. So we maximize effeciency by running like fast rats and playing hard and living hard.

I feel a little like Andy Rooney, preferring to stay focused and live in the moment of a reality I pretend not to create. When things are too hectic I believe there's not a lack of time, but lack of priorities. I'm thinking of getting some of the blue-toothed gadgets, but don't want to trade watching a flock of ducks quacking across the sky on a cold, sunny winter's day for a handful of dollars.

Claire's Corner Copia

Many, many cappuccino machines reside in New Haven, waiting to be explored, yet I usually go to Claire's Corner Copia. It's not a coffee shop at all, it's a vegetarian restaurant. Located on the corner of College and Chapel St, I usually stop there on my way to the theater. Now, I'm certainly no vegetarian, but the food is so cool, it's a refreshing change from devouring road kill between cars and birds puréed by jet engines (which are scarce). They do in fact serve a tasty cappuccino. The vegetarian cuisine notwithstanding, they sell a dessert named Trifle. This is no ordinary cake. It's so rich, it's amorphous. It comes in a bowl, and invokes a brain shattering sugar orgasm every time. Once, I bought a bowl for two young women who were eating salads there, knowing they would never order it for themselves. This act brought the karma of the universe into balance.

Farewell Alan Greenspan

It seems appropriate on the eve of his retirement, to post my favorite of his quotes.


"It is decidedly not true that 'nice guys finish last' as that highly original American baseball philosopher, Leo Durocher, was once alleged to have said. I do not deny that many appear to have succeeded in a material way by cutting corners and manipulating associates, both in their professional and in their personal lives. But material success is possible in this world and far more satisfying when it comes without exploiting others. The true measure of a career is to be able to be content, even proud, that you succeeded through your own endeavors without leaving a trail of casualties in your wake.

"I cannot speak for others whose psyches I may not be able to comprehend, but, in my working life, I have found no greater satisfaction than achieving success through honest dealings and strict adherence to the view that for you to gain, those you deal with should gain as well. Human relations--be they personal or professional--should not be zero sum games. And beyond the personal sense of satisfaction, having a reputation for fair dealing is a profoundly practical virtue. We call it 'good will' in business and add it to our balance sheets.

"Trust is at the root of any economic system based on mutually beneficial exchange. In virtually all transactions, we rely on the word of those with whom we do business. Were this not the case, exchange of goods and services could not take place on any reasonable scale. Our commercial codes and contract law presume that only a tiny fraction of contracts, at most, need be adjudicated. If a significant number of businesspeople violated the trust upon which our interactions are based, our court system and our economy would be swamped into immobility."


Alan Greenspan, at the Commencement Address, Harvard University, Cambridge Massachusetts; June 10, 1999. (From "The Quotations of Chairman Greenspan" by Larry Kahaner)

Yellow Cappuccino

Lately, I've noticed my urine smells like cappuccino. While I probably shouldn't mention it, I'm wondering if this happens to everyone, or if something's wrong with me. (No, I don't make a habit of sniffing my body's byproducts...I happened to notice it). Perhaps this can be developed into some kind of "excrement deoderant". Imagine being able to fart "Old Spice", it'd almost qualify as a superpower.

Temporal Anomaly Crossing Main Street