Letter to whom it may concern

Dear Sirs or Madams who have been Emailing regarding my "unit"

Thank you for your concern. I am aware of the dimensions of my "magic wand". I'm sure your "MEGADIK" product works wonders, but according to my calculations an increase of a magnitude of 1,000,000 would leave me with no (human) partners. I'd be limited to dating perhaps elephants, a situation I deem undesirable.

So who put out the word about my tiny, flaccid, pathetic penis?

It is possible my significant other has been posting complaints of my inadequacies on the Internet, resulting in my overflowing virtual mailbox. According to my calculations, it is unlikely. If she was I'd be receiving offers from shrinks, etiquette schools, and hair growth trainers, not to mention a variety of physicians to address many physical malfunctions. Offers for couch time to mitigate my "I'm always right...even when I'm wrong I'm right" issue (I don't care, it just statistically happens to be accurate), or my inability to change brands of household items such as toilet paper. Quirks and strange habits, forgetfulness and public scratching: too numerous to list.

I can't believe she didn't post numerous complaints about my malodorous, loud, noisy, and above all frequent flatulence outbursts. I'm sure I'd be receiving more "microfart" than "megadik".

So, in conclusion, thank you all for your concern, but I'm ok. Really! OK!